Everyone needs believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

"Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss." - Douglas Adams

What you call dog with no legs?
Don't matter what you call him, he ain't gonna come.

Men are like bank accounts.
Without a lot of money they don't generate a lot of interest.

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. - Maryon Pearson

When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car.

~anonymous~