If you had a life,
You'd stop talking about mine.

"If you haven't made at least three people smile today, then you are taking your life way to seriously."

Finally i understands that a woman always gets the last word in an argument. Anything said after that is the start of a new argument.

My exercise regime: up down, up down. And now the other eyelid.

Not all flowers can mean love, but a rose did.
Not every plant can survive thirst, but a cactus did.
Not every retard can read, but look at you go! =]

When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets.

If life hands you melons... you might be dyslexic

The cops sent me a photo of my car running a red light. So to be fair, I sent them a photo of my check.

Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he THINK he was doing at the time?!

If your truly humble you won't be proud of it.