If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.

I got into a fight with this big guy. He said to me "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
"You wouldn't want to do that."
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well."

You Know You're The Shit When People You Dont Even Know Hate You

Man, never get high before a test. Because it will backfire. I did that once.. Big mistake. I wrote a huge essay on the anatomy of a frog. The teacher said it would have gotten full points. If it hadn't been a Math test.

Have you ever wished you could be someone else, if only for a day? I think I'd be Periz Hilton. I would climb to the top of a building and jump off.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio...

Girls want alot of things from guys, but guys only want one thing from alot of girls

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose

I once got a thank you card that said "Thank You" on the front with a whole bunch of smiley faces. On the inside the person had written "I hate dolphins"

Revenge Is A Horrible Thing...
When Planned Properly!