Actually, they're sea lions; the difference is they have ear flaps... I wish I had ear flaps.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse

no offense to anyone just thought it was funny (not directed towards anyone!)

'looking for a woman is like looking for a car..its all about the headlights and the rear view'

-my ol' irish strict grandad said this at the question 'what do you find most attractive in women?' shocked the crap of us all..hehe good stuff

You cry, I cry. You hurt, I hurt. You fight, I fight. You jump off of a bridge, I get a paddle boat and save your retarded a**!

So you know the speed of light, right?
so what's the speed of dark?
-canyon from my book-

I often want to drown my sorrows, but i can't get my husband to go swimming.

Do you know karate cause your body is kickin

" i don't need to be careful, i have a gun!"
Homer Simpson