Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else!

When the officer says: "Gee son you're eyes look red - have you been drinking?" It's allowable for your own satisfaction to respond: Gee officer your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

My mother told me not to talk to strange people. I never talk to myself anymore.

Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself

Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory

It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" It's more like "When Stupid People Get Bit!"

Calories do not make you fat. You not burning them, that makes you fat.

I had a handle on life, but it broke.

"Grandpa.. Let me tell you a story about when I was a little kid.."
-My Little Cousin (when she was four years old and my Grandpa was upset that he dropped a piece of toast on the floor)

"Grandma Grandma!! The marker won't work.. I think it needs new batteries..."
-My Little Cousin