Try not to let your mind wander. It is too small to be out by itself

Some people get lost in thought because it's such unfamiliar territory

It's not "When Wild Animals Attack!" It's more like "When Stupid People Get Bit!"

Calories do not make you fat. You not burning them, that makes you fat.

I had a handle on life, but it broke.

"Grandpa.. Let me tell you a story about when I was a little kid.."
-My Little Cousin (when she was four years old and my Grandpa was upset that he dropped a piece of toast on the floor)

"Grandma Grandma!! The marker won't work.. I think it needs new batteries..."
-My Little Cousin

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse.

“You know you’re awesome when people you don’t even know hate you”

“You’re just jealous because we act retarded in public and people still love us"