Friend: I'm celibate.
Me: Really!?
Friend: Yeah, I sell a bit and give some away.
A friend said this to me, it was so funny.

Sweetie, I think you may have missed a spot. You may need to re-scan your face and do photoshop again.

Is that your face, or did your neck throw up?!

CHEWBACCA!!!!!!!!!

Pssssssst
look
i have good news

"i just saved a bunch of money on my car ensurance by switching to geico"

You lay down with a dog you get up with flees

Not mine but it's funny

If you lay down with food you get up with no knees

Let's Bone

My best friends drunk brother always says this when he's been tipping them back.

"Hey you, you want to buy my bike."

i guess you just have to be there to get it at all.

Sqeeze me
suck me
im a lemon