"As you slide down the banister of life, may your @ $$ collect many splinters"

"WHEN LIFE HANDS YOU A LEMON, BUST OUT THE TEQUILLA AND SALT"

Diggin my grave,
Diggin it deep,
Wid Nike Airs upon my feet,
Wid a Ganja Leaf between my teeth,
To show the World I died a theif

"This morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it"

"I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died"

"A repair shop:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)"

"Guys are like lava lamps there fun to look at just not so bright! "

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

"Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle"

"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate"