Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Go ahead, call me "weird" or "crazy" or a "freak"; thanks for the compliment.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

I had this parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry." So it died

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh s***, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.