Boredom can kill a person.

The other day I went to put money into my wallet only to find a spider had moved in, I hadnt used it in so long!

Ninjas can't catch you if you're on fire!

-saw it on a hoodie I really want :)

First Person: Did you know Micheal Jackson died?
Second Person: Wha....?
First Person: Yeah, he ate a ten year old weiner.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

--W.C. Fields

When everybody is out to get u, being paranoid is just good thinking

not mine

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

You know what I hate? Indian givers... no, I take that back.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.