You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

I like to go to the playgroud and watch the little children yell and jump up and down. They don't know I'm only firing blanks.

I went to the gas station the other day. The attendent asked me "Regular?". I replied "No, I want you to dress up in a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."

I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye. And dragged it 15 feet.

Theres a bully in the park
And A Hero In My Baseball Bat
xD

I wish people who have trouble communicating would shut up- Tom Lehrer

~I was up there looking for your fat ass for 45 minutes and your ass isn't hard to find unless your Helen Keller or something.~