Last night I lay in bed, and gazed at the stars, thinking to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

Friend at house: Hey you have a bathroom?
Me: Noooooo, we shit outside.

If life gives you melons, ask for bananas instead, theyre much nicer!

"Where's Chris?
Oh, I smacked him into next week. He'll be back on Tuesday." -Everybody Hates Chris

The clever scholar questions who you are, but the wise scholar knows that the question he has is irrelevant, and should instead focus on other things.

If micheal jackson was an animal,he would be a camilain. he can change colors!

Why dont you flush the toilet.... Saves on gas!!! (boyfriend kyle)

"Go get me an animal. I'm half naked and I can't move." -my best friend

Even the ass of a dog sees the light of day

You know it,
you love it,
you want it?
you can't have it!!