"If I had a "damn", what makes you think that I am obligated to "give" it?

Friend: Happy Birthday! I got you a cake
Me: That's a urinal cake..
Friend: Pee it out and make a wish!
Me: I wish I had better friends..

I hate two faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.

"Sneaky...Sneaky like a fish!!!" - my sisters ex-boyfriend

MOOOOOMMM!!! You almost mad me run over a MEXICAN!! --my friend.

It's like finding a dead hooker in your uncle's room the morning of Christmas.....

Smoking Helps You Lose Weight ... One Lung At A Time!

What can you lose but you know where it went?

your virginity

A piano might fall on your head but it also might not and in the meantime you never know, something nice might happen

If you have come here to b**** you have wasted 98% of your time so i suggest you use the remaining 2% to find the door.