I was a little upset when i saw you with her, but then i laughed because she was UGLY!

Dont say anything useless to me, not because i dont wnat to here it, it just better be some fuking mark twain shit cus its definatly going on your tomb stone

Me: (silence)
Friend: what were you saying?
Me: .......*This is why you don't have friends.*

Note: This ACTUALLY happened!!! (lol)

Your just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Go ahead, call me "weird" or "crazy" or a "freak"; thanks for the compliment.

...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.