"I'm so gay, my hair won't even stay straight."

"Kidnapping" is such a strong word. I prefer to say "Surprise Adoption".

I just thought about how much it would suck if the "enter" key didn't work on facebook

... In case of fire...
Yell "FIRE!"

"You might be able to beat me in a fight, its very possible. The only question I have is, can you outrun a bullet?"

Don't underestimate the knowledge of stupid people.

I saw you today and couldnt help but laugh

I wish my lawn was emo so it would cut itself!

Friends will ALWAYS say:
'you deserve better anyway'
. . .
Best friends wil prank him saying:
'you'll die in seven days!'

Tell your pants it's not nice to point