I sold my house this week. I got a pretty good price for it, but it made my landlord mad as hell.
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I met this guy who said he loved children, then I found out he was on parole for it.

(little girl reading a book)
the ca..t in the ha... screw this I'm going to be a stripper

BOY 1: HOW DO GiRLS DEAL WiTH HAViNG THEiR PERiOD?
BOY 2: i HAVE NO iDEA!
BOY 1: WELL, WHY DON`T WE ASK?
BOY 2: NO WAY! i DON`T TALK TO ANYTHiNG THAT BLEEDS FOR 5 DAYS AND LiVES!

Save more plants... eat a vegan!

MY imaginary Friend Thinks YOU HAVE Serious PROBLEMS

Do [vegetarian's] eat [animal] crackers?? =/

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be be watching television by candlelight.

OOOOO MY GOSH!! IS THAT YOUR FACE?????

I would stop eating junk food, but I'm no quitter!

I can walk a thousand miles for you. But by the end, if you don't have water, I swear I'll kill you.