I'm smiling because i have no idea what you are talking about

When the officer says: "Gee son you're eyes look red - have you been drinking?" It's allowable for your own satisfaction to respond: Gee officer your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?

He doesnt like me drunk and i dont like him sober

Fire is fun ^.^ it make boom boom when you try to put it out with gas!

Teacher: do you guys wanna have kids when you grow up

i: dude your just indirectly asking if we wanna have sex when we grow up..

Some people are like slinkies, good for nothing but they make you smile when you push them down the stairs :)

I didn't LIKE HIM LIKE HIM...
I only held his hand b/c i wanted his crayons, he had the 64 pack...
WITH THE SHARPENER!

"im bringin sexy back"
"psst, when was sexy gone? and why are YOU the one to bring it back?"

Guns don't kill people, people kill people, but guns help 'cuz i don't think it would do much if we went behind someone and yelled BANG!

Friends dont let friends drink and drive.. there beer might spill all over them..