At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

--W.C. Fields

Boredom can kill a person.

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Dont take life so seriously, its not as though its permanent.

Life is like a box of choclates, people throw a bunch of nasty candy inside and expact you to eat them

I'll stop stabbing, when you stop screaming.