When the love of you life breaks up with you and says "we can still be friends"
its like your dog dying and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Never knock on Death's door... ring the bell and run, he hates that.

-Anonymous

Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Every time
Wife replies," No, It means: With Idiot For Ever !!!"

Anyone can frighten people,
But it takes real talent to get a restraining order.

As I lye in bed and look up at the night skie.I begin to think, where the hecks my roof?

Make your parents mad, they ground you.

Make a stranger mad, they call the police.

Make me mad, and I'll shove snowballs down your pants.

It's your choice.

You're a walking oxymoron...You can be a smart ass, and a dumbass..at the same time.

HERE LIES THE BODY OF MARY LEE,...

WHO DIED AT THE AGE OF A HUNDRED AND THREE,...

FOR FIFTEEN YEARS SHE KEPT HER VIRGINITY,...

NOT A BAD RECORD FOR THIS VICINITY!

Whoever said nothing is impossible nevR tried slamming a revolving door

Me: holy fuuckiin shiit!
teacher: language!
me: i believe it was English.