When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic

When life give's you lemons, make grape juice and make the world wonder how you did it!

Do you know why the easter bunny hid the eggs? he didnt want anyone to know he was f**king chickens!!!!!

Roses are red violets are blue sugar is sweet and so are you. but the roses are wilting the violets are dead the sugar bowls empty and so is your head.

Their was a condom and a tampon
the condom said "you always mess up my buisness for 5 days dont you!"
the tampon then said. . . "yeah but when you screw up, i loose my job for 9 months!"

When the love of you life breaks up with you and says "we can still be friends"
its like your dog dying and your mom saying you can still keep it.

Oh, say that again. Slower. And with your pants off.

It may look like I am listening to you talk, But I am picturing you naked.

:P

Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again.

Im too tierd to slap you.....bash your face against my palm