It takes some skillz to trip over flat surfaces

Sometimes people look at me... And they're worried... That I'll... Reproduce...

I had a dream last night... I was eating a huge marshmellow.. When I woke up, my pillow was gone.....

Husband asks, "Do u know the meaning of WIFE??
Without Information Fighting Every time
Wife replies," No, It means: With Idiot For Ever !!!"

Driving is like the 80/20 rule,
you're 20 you go 80,
you're 80 you go 20!

If a guy flashes you,
Ask him if it comes in adult sizes.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

If you don't like gay marriage,
Blame straight people.
They're the ones who keep having gay babies.

The earth is moving around the sun at 67,000 miles per hour and it looks like you tried to stop it with your face.

My mom always says,
"If they jumped of a bridge,would u do it too?".
I always reply, "pssh no, I`d just be the one who came up with the idea."