A lie can get half around the world before the truth can even get told

I ran into the living room and found my brother. i exclaimed, "I lost five pounds!!" He gave me a smirk and said, "Look behind you and I think you will find it!"

(Sad, huh?)

:)

"A crowded elevator smells different to a midget."

Im not racist...i have a color tv

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse..

I'd be a prep but i cant get my head that far up my a $ $

YOu taLk iT
i LiVe iT
uR jEaLoUS
aDmIt iT
a LiL bIt SwEeT
a LiL bIt WiLd
SoUl oF aNaNgEL
HeArT oF a ChILd

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause

*Mitch Hedberg*

If Abercrombie decided that breathing wasn't "cool" then half the teenage population would suffocate in 24 hours.

The only thing keeping me from a diet .. is FOOD