Marriage. Because dodging your own family wasn't enough.

Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on someone else's saved game

Roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs.

I am so deep in the friendzone I've been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.

Valentines Day = Single Awareness Day

Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody's pants.

I've spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she's a woodpecker.

The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.

When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...

Don't play hard to get when your face is already hard to want.