Its like a light flicked on in my head
when the doctor said those words,
explained it all to me.
I sat there dumbfounded and appalled
that I hadn't realized it sooner.
That it was true, I am crazy.
One of the more difficult conditions
caused entirely by things from my past
related to relationships.
The work changes.
Suicidal thoughts and tendencies.
A light went on in my brain,
but how do I turn it off?
My heart hurts for you because I personally know how terrifying it can be to receive a diagnosis yet how it helps explain things, but then the question is, where do I go from here? I know some people don't like the labels of a diagnosis as people may treat them differently if they know, yet the labels don't or shouldn't completely overwhelm and overtake the truth of who we are. Mental illness is nothing to be ashamed of. For years, I was scared to get re-diagnosed because I had wanted to get a second opinion, and still do, and sometimes symptoms change. The amazing thing about mental health is that there is always growth and more education (hopefully) being done to break the stigma. Especially stigma toward, what I see most, bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Really the mood disorders or personality ones. People don't always realize we are still HUMAN. That yes, we can mess up and we have to take responsibility of course, but that what we struggle with is real. It doesn't make us crazy or a problem to be "fixed" or "cured".
This must have took immense strength to write/share and I commend you for that. I hope it too served as a form of relief, and that you don't let the doctor's words define you as solely that, but help you better love and understand yourself.
Thank you! So what had happened was I thought I had easily treatable depression/anxiety and some ptsd but I guess I have borderline. Been struggling with the diagnosis and this poem helped me to express my current emotions. Thank you for the kind words <3
A brave write.. We all are products of our experiences especially when it comes to our physical and mental health. However technically if a light is capable of being turned then in theory it can also be turned off. Never give up hope there is always a solution it just may not be apparent right away.
Also there are so many different degrees of crazy from eccentric and idiotic right through to straight jacket unable to comprehend anything at all. So focus in on what you can do and not at what you can't. It makes it easier to deal with things. All my best wishes Milly x