Simultaneously

by Star   Jul 24, 2019


I saw your
shadow
scribbling on
the dim sky,

patterns
of light
colors, like
those on
butterflies.
**
I heard
you humming
with a soulful
raspy voice,

hymns and
melodies
through deep
forests, they
devoice.
**
I
followed
you
**
I
listened to
you
**
Together
we
trailed
the
horizon

6


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  • 2 weeks ago

    by hiraeth

    "I saw your
    shadow
    scribbling on
    the dim sky,"

    The imagery of being on the cusp of night (dim sky) is strengthened by the image of a shadow scribbling on the sky. If you were able to see their shadow scribbling on the sky, that would mean the light source is behind them, hinting at possibly you (is that why your name is star :p) or someone else/something else being that source of light, something random I noted.

    "patterns
    of light
    colors, like
    those on
    butterflies."

    Upon reading this stanza, I instantly thought of a kaleidoscope, the patterns of lights and colours. This is also what brought me back to the poem, a butterfly found its way into my room and I caught it gently to release it, but the colouring on it was amazing. The play between this stanza and the beginning is a nice duality of light and shadow.

    **

    "I heard
    you humming
    with a soulful
    raspy voice,

    hymns and
    melodies
    through deep
    forests, they
    devoice."

    Following up on the style of the first two stanzas, you switch light for sound. But the interesting thing here is your decision to use 'devoice' in the second; in the first two stanzas, the imagery of light being added to a dark sky is given and here you have a melodious humming quietening a forest that may have been filled with the sound of nature; animals calling and singing, roaring waters, rustling trees. It goes back to playing with duality, which I find is a somewhat common theme in your writing; it offers a nice balance.

    "**
    I
    followed
    you"

    This ties back to the first two stanzas; I got the image of an eye catching light but you probably meant it in a more literal sense.

    "**
    I
    listened to
    you
    **"

    This ties back to the third and fourth stanza; I got the image of contentedly listening while on a rocking chair, I don't know why but that's the first image that came into my mind after reading this.

    "Together
    we
    trailed
    the
    horizon"

    It's more clear here that you meant it in a more literal sense (following them). I don't have a strong argument, but I think this is about a shooting star; the light part is pretty self-explanatory, as for the sound, well some people can hear shooting stars/meteors because they're able to hear the lower frequencies that occur when the radio waves rattle something near them (glasses, hair, etc). This, for me, would explain why the forest might fall quiet, everything in awe of the sight of the shooting star.

    Sorry, sort of rambling on, but it was lovely reading this again, thought I'd leave a comment :)

    • 2 weeks ago

      by Star


      I read your comment few hours ago, but I wanted to write a proper reply.
      Why? Because this poem was a different experience writing it. And you caught on something that I think BOB GALLO did a little bit too.

      When I wrote this, believe or not the use of “I and you”, are not referring to people.
      The image of an eye catching light, and duality. First, second and fifth stanzas are the voice of a being on land whether it’s an animal, plant, a solid thing or anything you can imagine looking up to the sky when the night is reaching it’s most quiet and still time. Third, fourth and sixth the opposite thing up the sky, moon, stars anything. The use of devoice, is of how sound travels, and in this case moving in a thick forest means it wont move far and will become lower. That is why it maybe raspy, because it will keep sounding different. Everything in the sky and on land move together into the horizon in harmony and becomes one.
      I dont know how to explain my thoughts well lol, this may sound like rambling. And maybe they were too complicated and the poem which maybe it shouldnt have been sounds very simple.
      Anywasyyyy thank you so much :)

  • 1 month ago

    by cantchangeme

    Beautiful, I love the imagery of ‘patterns of light colours like those on butterflies’.

    To me there is a great play between something serene and quiet and something slightly menacing and constant. And of course nature and humans can be simultaneously both. They are a shadow scribbling on a dim sky. Yet the light and colour that is cast is great.

    And you decided to follow. And listen to this person/something. And together you trailed the horizon. Which kind of speaks to everything working out, together you made something better than you were apart.

    • 1 month ago

      by Star

      Thank you so much thats a great comment :)

  • 1 month ago

    by Rob

    Beautiful! Great Job!

    • 1 month ago

      by Star

      Thank youuu :)

  • 1 month ago

    by Milly Hayward

    Simultaneously - "At the Same Time"....

    Thinking up an appropriate title is something that I regularly struggle with but you have it absolutely spot on. At the same time sets up nicely the rest of the poem and sent a silent echo throughout (at the same time) The first and second stanzas read together for me.. I saw your shadow scribbling on the dim sky (I also) saw patterns of light colours, like those on butterflies)
    Shadows can only be seen when they are surrounded by light and your portrayal of this is lovely. His shadow being surrounded by patterns of light colours like those on butterflies gives the feel of his prominence and butterflies which are a gentle creature are a creature of beauty so from those two lines / stanzas I got the feeling of beauty and serenity around someone of importance.

    The third and fourth stanzas sat nicely together and could have been (like stanza 1 and 2) read together or separately as they are here. The splitting up each of the lines into stanzas works really well here as it slows the read enough to add a dreamy more thoughtful flow.

    "I heard you humming with a soulful raspy voice, hymns and melodies through deep forests, they de-voice". More of the attraction of this man is revealed. A good man revealed by his choice of songs and the soulful raspy voice adding sound to an otherwise quiet forest has added to your interest.
    "I followed you, I listened to you, Together we trailed the horizon gave me the impression that at first you followed intrigued and when he started to sing you continued to follow until at last you walked side by side trailing the horizon. A beautiful tale.

    However in poetry there is always something much deeper if we only look beyond the first level.

    For me this also stands as a metaphor for the beginning of love at first sight. You see the object of desire, a person who stands out from his surroundings. You feel compelled to watch and discover he has is a good man with a voice which he is not afraid to use even when in a place where a voice is rarely heard.
    Getting to know him you feel at peace with him and you both naturally come together to walk the path of life side by side.
    A lovely poem Star. Best wishes Milly x

    • 1 month ago

      by Star

      OMG those comments are amazing^_^
      Thank you so much Milly I think it’s my first time to get a detailed comment from you!!
      And thank you Bob, you always take things a step further!!

  • 1 month ago

    by BOB GALLO

    This poem is nice, I would not finish it so fast if I were you. But only YOU can be you.

    Here, your poetry discovers a very crucial fact of the universe, In philosophy, history,..and especially in quantum physic, and that is the simultaneity of the universe. Everything as the opposite of what Enchtine said happens at once. Past and future only live as concepts. Everything is in now and now has no dimension. This is one of the most puzzling wonders of the universe.
    Though you just find it in the singular objects, hopefully then, it ( realisation of the simultaneity) slowly would penetrate to the collection of objects and dimensions in your poetry. (Lucky if find some guidance. along the way.)

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