Did you ever notice how people sometimes say "It's funny because it's true?" The truth isn't always funny. Say you're morbidly obese, and I start laughing and calling you fat? What? It's funny, because it's true!

Whoever invented the lawnmower should be ashamed of themselves. Because of them, now there's a bunch of eight year old War Amps. Well, congratulations, because of you, Timmy can never feel a puppy humping his leg ever again!

Do you ever feel really good when you see a big lump of dog crap that has a foot print in it??

**Not mine read it some where..thought it was funny**

Im so happy i could shit rainbows, and vomit up rays of sunshine. =]

Are you a parking ticket?
cause you have fiiiiiine written all over you.

I find it hard to leave people behind.. But harder to leave them forward... You could bump into them.

What? You don't get it? Yeah, me neither.

Even as a kid, I was a little s***. The teacher would ask us "Who do you want to be like when you grow up?"
I would tell her "No one, I want to be like me."
The pink time-out chair and I were well aquainted.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.