So let me get this straight,
I am supposed to pay money for a dead tree, not be afraid of a fat guy in a red suit, and eat candy out of a sock?

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

PMS::potential murder suspect

Person 1--"can i ask you a question?"
Person 2-- "didn't really give me a choice there, now did ya sunshine?"

Whoever said nothing is impossible nevR tried slamming a revolving door

If the ocean were vodka and i were a duck
id swim to the bottom and drink my way up
but the oceans not vodka and im not a duck
so pass me the bottle and shut the f**k up

I called your boyfriend gay and he hit me with his purse...now I'm starting to wonder if he is really gay...

Daughter:Mummy, whats the difference between a red and a white wine?

Mother: Well a red wine is more matured than a white wine.

pause..............

Daughter:....So girls are red wines and boys are white wines?

If i was a gun i would bang the hell out of you

Blondes are lucky...

Brunettes don't have an excuse to act stupid.