For the ex :)

"Not even the light of Heaven and the gravity of Hell could attract me to you again".

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, then you have a stalker.

Dear 11 year old on Facebook with 'It's complicated.' Seriously????? What did he do??? Steal your animal crackers??

I just did some calculations and I've been able to determine that you're full of sh*t.

Apple was considering making an iPod for kids but apparently, the name 'iTouch Kids' didn't sit too well.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

Someday, you'll find your Prince Charming. Mine just took a wrong turn,got lost,and was too stubborn to ask for directions.

You know you're bored when You Google yourself

Tech support: "We aren't satisfied until You aren't satisfied!"

Notes to self only work if you remember to read them.