It Wasn't Him Who Picked Up The Pieces

by Hollymariee   Apr 22, 2009


Sixteen is much more than just a number.
It's when, for the first time in her life,
A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;
The essence of her teenage world: love.
She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,
That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
And slower at the same time;
Is there waiting, ready to catch her.

But often, this is not the case.
He's too busy exploring his options,
He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
And at last, she nears rock bottom.
And guess what? He's nowhere around.
She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
Yes, her stained heart is still beating;
But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
Along with the pain associated, through her veins;
Engulfing her shattered body.
And yes, she may still be breathing;
But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
Any indication that he's come back for her.

Once again, for the first time in her life,
She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
That helped her pick up the pieces;
It was the friends who always caught her in the first place.

4


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Latest Comments

  • 7 years ago

    by kla

    So i really loved i can deff. relate that is pretty much my lfie sotry in a poem(: 5/5

  • 8 years ago

    by kelleyana

    This is Original, i love it. I enjoyed every bit of it. It was well written and the imagery you creates is excellent. Very well done. 5/5, kel.

  • 8 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    "Sixteen is much more than just a number.
    It's when, for the first time in her life,
    A girl's heart experiences the most powerful emotion;"

    This opening really grabbed me, it caught my eye and held my attention.

    "The essence of her teenage world: love."

    This was a unique line, I loved "the essence of her teenage world", that was great wording!

    "She free-falls backwards with the impulse,
    Only hoping that the one causing all these feelings,
    That boy that makes her heart pound faster,
    And slower at the same time;
    Is there waiting, ready to catch her."

    This was cliche in my mind, and I had hoped to see a difference, more originality here.

    "But often, this is not the case.
    He's too busy exploring his options,"

    These two lines were good, you express all that you want to say well here.

    "He doesn't notice how fast she's falling...
    And at last, she nears rock bottom."

    I feel this was not the most creativity, I was looking for something different, a twist or more imagery.

    "And guess what? He's nowhere around."

    Okay, to be honest, I don't like the "and guess what?", it doesn't fit in this poem and seems more like the teenage talk, if you know what I mean.

    "She's left so broken, it hurts to breathe.
    Yes, her stained heart is still beating;"

    Not the best, but this was still filled with emotion and feeling.

    "But every pulse spreads the locked-in memories,
    Along with the pain associated, through her veins;"

    I liked how you used "associated" here, this was great.

    "Engulfing her shattered body."

    Perfect wording here, I love the way you describe her.

    "And yes, she may still be breathing;
    But every breath only longs to catch his scent...
    Any indication that he's come back for her."

    I did not like "breathing" and "breath" so close, maybe get a synonym for one of them? I did like the end of the second line and then the third one, carry on.

    "Once again, for the first time in her life,
    She learns a new emotion, but it is not her own:
    Compassion; coming from everyone she'd left behind,
    Because in the midst of all the kisses and "i love you"s;
    She foolishly forgot those who really loved her.
    It wasn't the boy, who had let her fall so hard,
    That helped her pick up the pieces;
    It was the friends who always caught her in the first place"

    A striking and thoughtful ending, this held my attention the whole way through and I didn't stop reading. What a great message and such power was held in your words. Just one thing,

    i love you"s should be I love you's.

    Otherwise, 4/5 from me. You expressed so much and did make the reader feel this and understand, but I didn't feel that captivated all the way through. Try adding more creative words and vivid imagery to this piece.

    Take care and God bless you, Child of God!

    ~MaryAnne

  • 8 years ago

    by Lady Nik

    I really enjoyed this poem. Everyhing worked perfectly together. Diction was amazing. Shoes your intelligent writer and have more then a fifth grade vocabulary lol. I love the varied syntax as well. This was very powerful and overflowed with rich and pure emotions. Very nice work. Shanik

  • 8 years ago

    by Cotton Candy Clouds

    Ah wow! great poem i must say i think every girl will be able to relate to this. You did a great job of drawing me in the first stanza i had a mental picture of a girl free falling with a smile on her face : ) and that is what it feels like i mean it is magical and you get so excited about it! only to have him disappoint you like you said.. so many girls make this mistake of pushing their friends away for a new guy and you made a good point he isn't the one to pick up the pieces, your friends are! great poem ! i have no critiques really i loved it and thought it was phenomenal! i was wondering at first why you had it in the friendship section but now i see : )
    5/5