...and always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, "A truck!"

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

My girldfriend said, "I'm seeing another man." I said, "Well, try rubbing your eyes or something."

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

I went to the hardware shop. I said, "This riding lawnmower is stupid."
They said, "Next time, you get on top."

I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.

People come up to me and say, "do people really come up to you?"

I went into Gus'es artificial organ and taco stand, said, "Give me a bladder por favor."
The guy said "Is that to go?"
I said, "Well, what else would I want it for?"

I tried to make him laugh by telling him of the story where i tried to fit as many french fries as possible in my mouth. but then he went on to say he would watch me next time i ate a hot dog. later i pondered
i don't like hot dogs
i sure can pick 'em