I have a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it'd be a jacket

I'm sick of Soup of the Day, it's time we made a decision. I wanna know what the Hell 'Soup From Now On' is.

That'd be funny if you were a drummer, and you grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You're pounding out the beat "1-2-3-4 Oh s***, my Bass Player's now a can of soup... Sorry Rick, I mean Cream of Mushroom!

I saw a dude, he was wearing a leather jacket, and at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said to him "Dude, you're a cow. The metamorphasis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I'll tip you over."

I'm an ice sculptor - last night I made a cube

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Hell's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?

If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too litteral for me.

I guess I just prefer to see the Dark Side of things
The glass is always half empty
And cracked
And I just cut my lip on it
And chipped a tooth
~Janeane Garofalo

I don't want to be a chicken
I don't want to be a duck
Sooo kiss my butt butt butt!!!!