Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who's ashamed to admit they like you!

The way this dog acts, you'd think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.

Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.

Relationship Status: Sleeping next to the warm laundry pile.

Get her pizza, not pregnant.

Password must contain at least one capital letter, the meaning of life, 14 of your favorite baby names, the Hamlet plot summary and a hug.

I'm pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.

I'd like to nail you so hard you don't wake up for three days. - rejected Christian Mingle bio

Lighten up on the cologne bro. You want the girls to barely get a hint then ask to lean in. Not smell you from the parking lot.

Whoever invented self checkout greatly overestimated the general intelligence of the human race.