I saw cards that said "get well soon"
.. F**K that! Get well now

demitri martin

Few women admit their age
few men act theirs

We had gay burglars break into our house last night...
They rearranged our furniture..

I definitely won't drink responsibly.

I accidentally rear ended a car at a stoplight.
The driver, a midget, got out and yelled at me, "I'm not happy"
I leaned down and replied, "Well then, which one are you?"

A balanced diet: a cookie in each hand.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

Teamwork, means never having to take all the blame yourself!