Alcoholism is a disease but it's the only the disease you can get yelled at for having. Damnit Otto you're an alcoholic. Damnit Otto you have lupus. One of these doesn't sound right.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches. I turn the lights on and the koalas scatter. I'm like, come back! I want to hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here

I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid back company, so they just said "Screw it, cut em up!"

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load crap into a truck

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some freaky quiz where he reveals the answer first.

My fan goes back and forth.It looks like its saying. No.So I ask it questions that a fan would say no to.Do you keep my hair in place?Do you keep my papers in order?Do you have 3 settings?Liar!My fan lied to me.I'll pull the pin up.Now you can't lie.

I saw a Lola on TV, she was born without arms. thats sad, but then they said, "Lola does not know the meaning of the word 'can't.'" And that to me was kinda worse. she has no arms, and doesn't understand simple contractions.

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the Hell's really goin on down there? Who is the real hero?