An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her. -Agatha Christie

There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy;

Her heart.

Boredom can kill a person.

Until there's a ring on my finger and a ticket to Spain I'm off limits from the waist down.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

--W.C. Fields

When I'm not in my right mind my left mind gets pretty crowded.

People like you are the reason we have middle fingers

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.