Dont take life so seriously, its not as though its permanent.

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in someones eye and run!

Never do anything you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics =]

A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it.

Well, the next day I caught her in bed with this other guy. I was crushed. I said, "Get off me, you two!"

The other day a woman came up to me and said, "Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know. You can't see out the other way."

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications!"

When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night, wondering where my brother was.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.