"you want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?!" --Michelangelo, 1566

A couple had a fight one night when they were going to bed, Husband Taunted:Good night mother of 3 kids. Wife Replied:Good night Father of none.

When I saw you with that girl, that look you saw on my face wasn't jealousy. It was simply me trying not to laugh(:

To players, we're hot.
to perverts, we're sexy.
to adults, we're cute.
to relatives, we're adorable.
to others, we're pretty.
to the right guys, we're beautiful.
but to ourselves,
we are ugly as sh*t

Thinks that if you wanna keep your legs open 24/7 you should put a sign on your forehead saying' easy come easy go...

Saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with 'Guess' on it. So I said 'Implants?' she hit me

If you say words can't hurt you, I have no choice but to throw a book at you.

After years of intense therapy, my therapist finally said," Maybe life just isn't for eveyone."

Cinderella stayed up till midnight at parties, Sleeping Beauty got to sleep forever, Aladdin was a thief, Snow White lived with 7 men, and Goldilocks broke into a house and ate the bear's food.

And our parents wondered how "we turned bad"

Stressed backwards is desserts. Coincidence? i think not