I never really thought I was all he wanted, then I saw you & realized, I'm all he needs.

**from my dad**

When i get my pet camel im going to teach it a trick. Its going to learn how to swallow, not spit!

Randomness is in the Eye of the Wacked and Insane.

I just took a crap so big it could fill the hole in the o zone layer

Do not take it upon yourself, Sir, to teach me how to live my life.

Sometimes monkey throw poo so be ready to dodge.

No, as a matter of fact you did not make love to my mom last night. Thanks

Brunettes have more fun.

I wish my lawn mower was emo, so it would cut itself

You flip me the bird and I say "I don't take cheap offers."