You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio...

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

The magician and the politician have much in common: they both have to draw our attention away from what they are really doing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

They say the pen is mightier then the sword.. But I bet they never noticed, it's considerably easier to write with as well.

When everything's coming your way, I think you might be in the wrong lane.

The other day, I shot an emu in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know..