Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Well, my brother says Hello. So, hooray for speech therapy.

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well, I don't have an alibi.

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.