I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

I like to go to the playgroud and watch the little children yell and jump up and down. They don't know I'm only firing blanks.

I got into a fight with this big guy. He said to me "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
"You wouldn't want to do that."
"Yeah, why not?"
"Well, you won't be able to get the corners very well."

I was hopping from bar stool to bar stool last night hoping to get lucky. But there wasn't gum under any of them.

I went to the gas station the other day. The attendent asked me "Regular?". I replied "No, I want you to dress up in a gorilla suit and dance like a fairy."

I was walking down the street the other day and something caught my eye. And dragged it 15 feet.