Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It's that easy.

A penny saved... usually wears a hole in my pockets if I don't put it in a piggy bank

The early worm catches the bird

Worrying: a waste of imagination.

I am so deep in the friendzone I've been introduced to her boyfriend's parents.

Valentines Day = Single Awareness Day

Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.

Today I found a penny. It reminded me of you. Worthless & found in everybody's pants.

A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

Why do porn sites have a 'Share to Facebook' button? Who watches porn and thinks, 'You know who'd really enjoy this? My family and friends.'