Dear girls: The sooner one of you bites the bullet and becomes my girlfriend, the sooner I leave the rest of you alone. #Takeonefortheteam

A good poem writer always knows when its best to climax

My hidden talent is letting all of my homework and other obligations pile up until the very last minute so i can crack under the pressure and have a mental breakdown

There are three stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus; he doesn't believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus

If you leave your children behind, pay your child support on time.

You wanna be an air force ranger, you wanna live a life of danger, you don't wanna get raped by strangers.

I can have my cake & eat it too, why? Cuz I baked that B!

That awkward moment when a rapist picks up a hitch hiking serial killer.

Killer: Turn down that dark road.
Rapist: I was planning on it.

Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows

For as smart as I may be I balance it out with all my stupidity.