Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, write on walls, and get poked by people you don't know.

If you get hit in the face. you didnt dodge the ball

I really should stop using the password i created in the fifth grade for every account i ever make ever

The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumba** put my cape on backwards.'

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, Hello? As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

Isn't it a pitty that the pretty kitty actually turned out to be quite shitty

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fcuking expensive.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"