I really should stop using the password i created in the fifth grade for every account i ever make ever

The problem is, obesity runs in our family. No, the problem is no-one runs in your family...

Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumba** put my cape on backwards.'

I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, Hello? As if the bad guy is gonna be like, Yeah, I'm in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?

Isn't it a pitty that the pretty kitty actually turned out to be quite shitty

Grammar is important! Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your Uncle jack off a horse.

Are you free tomorrow? No, I'm fcuking expensive.

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.

Hey autocorrect, stop messing with my damn curse words. You mother forklift.