Drink expresso to lower your depresso.

My last loving relationship involved a spare electrical outlet at an airport departure gate.

I wish this conversation had GPS because you lost me about 20 words ago.

Admit it. You get a small rush of happiness when your crush likes your Facebook picture or status.

Hostage or not, sometimes it's just nice to be held.

Hey girl, are you calculus? Because you're hard to understand and seem pretty useless in the greater scope of my life goals.

"I wasn't that drunk!" Dude, you held up my cat in the air and started singing The Circle of Life!

You had me at 0 mutual friends.

Whenever I take a girl out on a first date I always shake her hand with my left hand because I don't want her to meet her competition just yet.

My new girlfriend is taking forever to exist.