Last night I lay in bed, and gazed at the stars, thinking to myself, where the heck is the ceiling?!

Friend at house: Hey you have a bathroom?
Me: Noooooo, we shit outside.

If life gives you melons, ask for bananas instead, theyre much nicer!

I don't care how old, or how badass you think you are, when a toddler hands you a play phone, you're going to answer it

That Brit, who can find a pub and a pint of beer, is truly lost.

The Italians never have been warriors, but life enjoyers & agitators, though they never have passed a change to fight among themselves.

Dear Friday,

I think you've met you match. Be scared.

Love,
Me

"I am tired of trusting people. Every time I did that, I got screwed, and I am currently sore from it".

MAN. My friend had so many songs on her ipod that ipeed. ipood is too gross.

Me: Hey, God, what's a million years to you?
God: A minute.
Me: what's a million dollars to you?
God: A penny.
Me: Can I have a penny?
God: In a minute.