Whoever invented the lawnmower should be ashamed of themselves. Because of them, now there's a bunch of eight year old War Amps. Well, congratulations, because of you, Timmy can never feel a puppy humping his leg ever again!

Do you ever feel really good when you see a big lump of dog crap that has a foot print in it??

**Not mine read it some where..thought it was funny**

Are you a parking ticket?
cause you have fiiiiiine written all over you.

Even as a kid, I was a little s***. The teacher would ask us "Who do you want to be like when you grow up?"
I would tell her "No one, I want to be like me."
The pink time-out chair and I were well aquainted.

Coffee isn't my cup of tea.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet

When everything's coming your way, I think you might be in the wrong lane.

The other day, I shot an emu in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I'll never know..

New York's such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guys are very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of New York." So I stabbed him."