You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one gets filled first.

It's stupid that they took the n-word out of "Huck Finn", which is one of the greatest works of literature. What's next, "Moby D-word"?

Shoot for the moon, because even if you miss, hey, floating around in space forever seems pretty cool.

"I am as honest as the next politician," says Pres. Obama.

I laughed at the tv and said back," well that's not saying too much is it?"

Almost everything people do is... nothing at all.

During my lifetime I have wondered who could save the world. I have come to the conclusion that the only one that could save the world could be my dog, sad part is is that she died years ago. So, pretty much we're all screwed.

Nice guys dont finish last
they finish in the shower

Ooh, you deleted me off Facebook. Is that your final revenge? What's next, you throw a Fruit Loop at the back of my head and expect it to hurt?

"Kidnapping" is such a strong word. I prefer to say "Surprise Adoption".

What do you call a guy who makes jokes about girls being in the kitchen? single