Three square meals a day? ... Dude please... My plate is round!!

I don't understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? ....If I'm trusting you with my money, you should trust me with your pens.

Anyone who thinks I am arrogant is simply shortsighted.

Taylor Swift seems like the type of chick that would poke a hole in a condom.

When people say "try this, it will pass the time" it is not long after they are complaining how there are not enough hours in the day.

Never assume that someone likes you by their sweetness, sometimes you are just an option when they are bored.

Don't be prejudice
Hate everyone equally!

Consider the nagging suspicion the wife of a hypnotist must feel.

When I die, I'd like someone to keep updating my Facebook for me just to freak people out. Things like,

"Hey, who knew they had wifi up here?"

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?