I've mastered the art of not giving a fcuk while simultaneously caring way too much

Just before the breath of life left him and all the world mourned, the Shepherd looked upon his flock from his elevated place and whispered, "I'll be back."

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
-Grancho Marx

Common sense is like deodorant; those who need it most don't use it.

Guy jeans w/hand prints on the back pockets!
And your not gay or strange?
Hmmm..

"Word of Advice: Don't ever look at your brother's computer screen under any circumstances."

You traded your iPhone 4 for an extra inch? Hope your girlfriend doesn't do the same.

-True trollers should know how to do the troll face

Say this out loud five times fast! 'I won a math debate.'

We humans are unique among animals...
one example: we park in driveways and drive in driveways; though it should be the other way: driveways have less traffic!